Where can I get some patience?

Time to vent.

Honestly, I have never felt so anxious in my life. I can't seem to sit down by myself and be content with it. I feel completely unsatisfied. This week has been pretty terrible for me. My car got towed, crap happening with school (not classes, but other miscellaneous things), money problems, relationship problems. I feel like things are getting worse and worse, rather than better. What happened to a new start? My mind won't allow it.

Today a speaker came into my abnormal psychology class to talk about suicide. He said the number one reason that people commit suicide, that he has observed in over 30 years of counseling, is the loss of relationships. I'm not saying by any means will I ever commit, or attempt to commit, suicide, but I feel the same kind of sentiments that one may feel after any other break up. I lost 8 of my closest friends (what the hell, seems weird to count the exact number, but it's true). After spending so much time with them, and now not being able to see them anymore, it fucking sucks. I know I have said, 'whatever I don't need them anyway!' but I honestly do. Those were the friends I could look to in order to vent or to relieve anger or just relax. Who do I have now? Any person that I can talk to about my problems are so far away. There's no one here in Gainesville besides my sister, and I know I've said this before. I'm attempting to make friends, but I feel like I'm getting nowhere. I'm not connecting. Again, I feel too anxious. I can't just relax and let things take their course.

And I feel like I can't act the same way around others. Like I need to try hard to impress. But that's NOT who I am at all. There's too much pressure in pleasing other people that I lose sight of what exactly I want and what I need. People have told me I'm very independent, but I know deep down that that's not true at all. I'm very much so dependent. Even typing this all out, I feel so sad because I feel completely pathetic and powerless. Who the fuck can I call up and say 'let's go somewhere' or 'let's hang out?'. Fucking no one. Everyone I want to see are hours away. There's no one for me here right now.

We were also talking about unipolar and bipolar disorders in class recently. I'm NOT bipolar, if that's what you think. I'm not depressed either (I think it has to be severely impacting your life for you to be clinically diagnosed as depressed), according to the DSM-IV-TR. But I'm fucking sad. I'm really fucking sad. I've been going to sleep earlier and earlier just so days can go by faster and faster. I slept for 14 hours the other day because there was nothing more I wanted to do but not think. I just wanted time to go by. I don't know what I'm waiting for. Maybe Spring Break to go away to Spain and forget about shit here? I also haven't been eating much lately. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich. The other day I ate cereal. Today, I fucking pigged out and ate a bunch of pizza and candy. But not I feel siiiiick as hell. I've been exercising more, which I guess is a good thing. I bike at least 8 miles to and from school and play soccer every other day. But all of this is SO uncharacteristic of who I really am. I pig out all the time, I used to neglect working out, and usually went to sleep very late. Wtf is going on? I guess I can say it's stress related.

New Years Resolution

1. Exercise everyday. Even if it's biking to school.
2. Eat healthy. Avoid temptations like candy and chips. :x
3. Focus on what I want. Focus on what's good for me.
4. I can't please everyone, so it's better to stop trying. Being a little selfish never hurt anyone.
5. Do well in school (no shit).

Harsh Realizations

I've known this for a while, but it hadn't really hit me until now. I don't really have anyone I can lean on here. My family is far away, my sister leaving to a different country for winter break. The friends I have here don't care. It's so hard to think about all these things, and just want someone's support. Support from the people you spend the most time with, but not getting it. Now I guess it's time for me to focus on myself, instead of everyone else. This sucks so much. I hate it. I feel so alone.

It's Funny

I've had this blog for over a year. I remember when I created it; I wanted something to record my feelings, the happenings in my life, what I expected of the future. Even though I post infrequently and sporadically, it's still fun to read my past posts and reminisce.

This past semester has been a roller coaster to say the least. It's finals week, and the things that have been happening in my life lately are not conducive for a successful outcome. My boyfriend and I broke up last night. I feel completely empty and devoid of any kind of motivation or passion. I'm incredibly upset, but at the same time I know it's for the better. We fought too much. There were too many times when I questioned, why do I put up with this? Because I love him, of course. But I just wish these things were not so hard. I wish I was a strong enough person to be able to brush myself off and go on even stronger than before. This is by no means the end of the world, but it is the end of a happy period in my life.

I got a job at the clothing store Old Navy. It's very cookie cutter, but as long as I make money I don't care. I need money. I have $50 to my name right now. I don't want to ask my mother for anything, she's struggling enough.

Things I Hate the Most.

• People who pick unnecessary fights.
• People who are controlling and do not listen to reason.
• Stupid fads involving young teenagers and horrible music.
• No money.
• Job searching.
• Empty stomach.
• Lovebugs on the front of my new car.
• Friends in hospitals.
• Fakeness.

But I like many things.

• Starting over.
• Meeting great people.
• Discovering amazing music.
• Laying on the couch with your favorite person.
• Happy moments with family (they're too scarce).

Wait, my freshmen year is over?

The end of the Spring semester is drawing ever near and I'm left with this question: Where the hell did the time go? I feel like my freshmen year should have been longer, more epic, more interesting, but I'm not left with much coming out of it. If anything, it was a period of self discovery, figuring out who I am as a student and a friend and trying to decide what I want to do with myself career-wise (leading to me switching my major twice).

So where am I now? What's my plan? A few things happened since the last time I posted.

- I am now majoring in Pre-Physical Therapy, taking on an interest that I already knew existed but was too afraid to pursue.
- I'm taking classes at HCC this summer but not for Financial Accounting and Calculus. Rather, I'm taking Chemistry I and II with labs. It may or may not be brutal, I do not know how HCC functions, but we'll see if this will ruin my summer or not. As it looks now, CHM I is held Tuesdays and Thursdays at the Dale Mabry campus from 10:15-ish to 12:20 for class and 12:45-ish to 3:30 for the labs. That's a LOOONG time to be focusing on Chemistry... but I guess that's what you get when you try to cram them in one summer.
- I found a place to live next year. It's in a very quaint and quiet apartment complex a couple miles north of campus in a delightful neighborhood. I'm soooo excited to move in! The apartment has a townhouse set up, with two floors. One bedroom is downstairs and the other two are upstairs. I'm going to be living in one of the bedrooms upstairs. It's very spacious, has an amazing window nook for studying/sleeping/being lazy, and a private bathroom. The girl I'll be living with is so nice and she decorated the apartment in this retro fashion; it's so cool. We also seem to be on the same page when it comes to the upkeep of the apartment and things of that nature.

A few things that are bothering me: Exams next week, doing well on all of them (which I need to do, my GPA needs a boost), and subletting my sister's room for the summer. Ugh. :(

But I'm so excited for Bamboozle. :) It's so soon.

Take the clock away from me, please.

There are so many things to look forward too. I just wish I could keep myself from looking at the clock. It's like The Sound and the Fury, when you start worrying about time, bad things happen.

There's:

• Spring Break (which begins tomorrow, so that's not so bad)
• All Shall Perish/Winds of Plague concert in JAX (March 26th).
• Iwrestledabearonce in JAX (April 12th).
• In Fear and Faith/Attack Attack in Orlando or in Tampa.
• Some FBR shows with Will.
• The end of classes/beginning of summer/internship/job/whathaveyou.
• FUCKING BAMBOOZLE.
• Maybe Protest the Hero in Orlando on the 5th of May.
• OH FUCKING SLEEPER in Orlando with Iwrestledabearonce on the 8th.
• Katya's coming back from Spain/her 21st birthday.
  
• Starting classes at HCC (Calculus and Financial Accounting because I am math retarded).

Idk. There're other things. I just want to get this semester over with.